As conflicts multiply around the world and dominate the media, one may wonder about the right approach to take with their child. Should we really talk about these events that happen thousands of kilometers away from us? How can we address our child’s emotions and find the right words to not scare them? Clinical psychologist, psychotherapist in Écully, and author of the book “Children and War” (Odile Jacob editions), Hélène Romano answers questions from Lyon Capitale.
Lyon Capitale: When a conflict erupts far from home, does it really affect young children, or are they somehow protected by their everyday life? At what age does a child truly feel concerned by anxiety-inducing current events?
Hélène Romano: Whether they are young or adolescents, children are mainly affected by the impact of war on their parents, rather than the war itself. They perceive the worry it generates in adults very well. Furthermore, the perception of war changes based on the child’s age. Up to elementary school, young children’s understanding of war resembles what they see in cartoons or books. There are the villains who want to attack the good guys and harm them. Before 9 or 10 years old, children have a particular view of death, unless they have already experienced grief. For them, death is not irreversible; a magical kiss can bring someone back to life. Therefore, they feel less anxious about war. As children grow older, their perception of war becomes closer to that of their parents. Adolescents already have historical references, understand the political and economic issues of a conflict, and know that it can escalate. In an age full of changes, doubts about the future, and sometimes a lot of anxiety or even dark thoughts, war and the uncertainty it brings can resonate violently.
Should we anticipate and address the subject with them? Or is it better to wait for their questions, risking that they hear about it elsewhere in a distorted or frightening manner?
It is always preferable to talk to children about war. Putting words to their emotions helps to contain them. But we don’t reveal everything, and not in any way. It may seem strange, but we should also discuss war with babies. They are very sensitive to the emotional tone with the adult. When a parent is stressed, they will be tense in their actions, less patient. This creates a rupture, and the baby perceives that their parent is no longer emotionally available.
How to approach this topic with young children without projecting our own anxiety onto them?
To a baby, we can say: “I am stressed because serious things are happening far from us. But I am here for you, I love you, and I will take care of you.” The baby may not understand cognitively, but they perceive the emotional meaning, which will calm them down. In elementary school, children have a life outside the home and inevitably hear about war. If they question us, the best approach is to ask them what they understood. This will serve as a basis for discussion. If they don’t talk about it, it’s probably because it’s difficult for them to admit they are scared and don’t want to worry their parent. In this case, we need to take the lead. We should be alert to all sorts of symptoms – attention disorders, sleep disturbances, stomach aches. We do not hesitate to tell them that these are probably linked to the events in the world. Then we explain to them in a simple way, showing them on a map the countries affected by the conflict, and telling them they can always talk to us if they are anxious or if there are things they don’t understand.
What kind of discourse should we have with adolescents?
Adolescents are generally well-informed and don’t hesitate to address the topic spontaneously with their parents. Otherwise, we can start the discussion more directly than with younger children, asking them if they have heard about the current conflict, how they feel about it, and conveying what matters to us. We recommend they consult multiple sources of information to avoid biases from social media. Sometimes, adolescents may ask very direct questions to share their fears of nuclear bombs, conflict escalation…Parents may not have all the answers, but they can soften their statements by saying, “This is what I understand, but you may hear other points of view.” They can suggest watching a geopolitical documentary together to find some answers. This way, the adolescent maintains the trust they have in their parents and allows themselves to form their own representation of things. It may happen that the parent knows less than their adolescent and feels they are losing their parental authority. It is important to let the adolescent speak and never belittle them. This allows for a collaborative meaning-making of what is happening.
What should we say to our child or adolescent when they ask if we are scared?
We should try to be available and not respond hastily. It’s best to ask the child how they perceive us at the moment. They will likely say they find us stressed, tense…In response, we can say, “Yes, you are right, I am scared because I don’t know what will happen. But when I am scared and not feeling well, I try to breathe calmly. I think about things that make me happy and that we could do, like a crepe evening, a walk in the park… Challenging events are an opportunity to give our children some guidance. This educates them about fear and shows them how to overcome it. With younger children, we can play by making a fear mask or a box where we put all the scary things, and older children can draw…The idea is to put into words what they are feeling, which helps to control the emotion.
What are the signs that show a child or adolescent is overwhelmed by the anxiety of war? What should we be vigilant about?
We should watch out for what we call developmental rupture. It’s not just ups and downs in a child’s mood, but a sudden change in behavior. This can manifest with visible externalized disorders: the child becomes aggressive, gets easily irritated, cries over trivial matters, develops sleep disturbances. What we may perceive as tantrums are actually signs of anxiety related to their psychological distress. Internalized disorders are much harder to notice: the child withdraws, stops playing, isolates themselves, sleeps all the time, backtracks…They can also become excessively quiet, never complain…If a child shows emotional detachment in every aspect, lacks empathy, it means they are in a state of hyper-adaptation that should be concerning.
In the face of these manifestations of intense stress, how should a parent react? Should they seek external help? What behaviors should be avoided?
It is important to communicate with the child and not remain isolated, to share concerns and reassure oneself as a parent. For example, having a phone conversation with the National Federation of Parents and Educators (Fnepe) that provides support to parents through its hotline “Hello, parents in crisis.” We can also reach out to resources like doctors or therapists. It may happen that a parent is tired and frustrated after dealing with their child, but under no circumstances should they resort to threats or intimidation regarding the war. They should not trivialize or deny the child’s anxiety or mock them. Children’s fears are not always rational. If the parent goes too far, it is better to talk about it again with the child and apologize. No parent is perfect, and everything can be rectified.
